Role of a father in the ife of a teenager: the case of an absentee Dad

Amit’s Dad is an IT professional. His job requires him to work in three time zones, which means he is constantly on calls or meetings.Most of the days when Amit goes to school in the morning, he finds his dad sleeping. His dad is back home late in the evening around dinner time. Amit is a student of year 10, hence loaded with homework and assignments. The only interaction Amit has with his dad through the day is a customary “hello” and “how was your day”. It’s his mother, (who incidentally also works in an IT company) who takes care of his school needs. There is a PTA meeting at school. All parents have been invited. Amit’s mentor Ms.Sneha Uppal is waiting for the parents to arrive. The room slowly starts filling in with parents, mostly ladies. There are couple of men in the room as well. Ms. Uppal wonders “where are the Dads?”. Is the child’s education only a mother’s responsibility?

Parents reading this, I am sure, are not surprised. We are the generation that has seen a major transition in the society. Back in the 70s and 80s, in most families fathers were the sole money earners.There was a clear division of work. A mother would take care of everything inside the house and any work outside the purview of home was the father’s responsibility including the child’s education, school work, fees and so on. It was fairly common to see the fathers teaching their children after a day’s work.

But things have changed now and how? The women are now educated. They work outside too. The biggest change has been in our mindset. When we think of parents, we think of mothers. Just to site a small example, I am a member of my daughter’s year 9 parents group. There are 77 parents in the group, all Moms. Of course, there are some greatly involved fathers but they are a rare tribe. The question that should bother parents is “why are fathers missing from a child’s day to day life and how could this be affecting our children”.

A lot of research has been done on the role of father in a child’s life. Research by FIRA (Father Involvement Research Alliance) has shown that in families where fathers are involved on a day to day basis (and not just the weekends):

• The children are academic achievers with strong quantitative and verbal skills
• The children try harder, are more resilient and place a high value on education
• They are more likely to enjoy school and participate in extra-curricular activities
• They show greater tolerance for stress and frustration
• They have better problem solving skills
• They show more controlled behaviour and less impulsivity. They are tolerant and understanding by nature.
• Increased feeling of paternal acceptance helps child develop an enhanced self-concept and self-esteem.
• Children show better social skills, positive peer relation, less aggression, less conflict and more generosity
• Positive social skills extend to the relationship on the child with the siblings
• Children very rarely get depressed and show over all life satisfaction
• Children show less problem behavior like delinquency, drug abuse, truancy, binge drinking, stealing and so on

If the reasons above are not motivating enough, there are some other selfish reasons why fathers should get involved in the day to day activities of their children. Again research by FIRA has shown that father’s involvement with the child acts as a buffer against stress. These parents also:

• Show greater psychological maturity
• Seem to be more satisfied with their lives
• Go through less psychological distress
• More understanding and empathetic to others
• Participate in community activities
• An indirect benefit of father’s involvement is the positive emotional support provided to the spouse, leading to marital stability and the feeling of being happily married with children.

So all you  Dads out there, now it’s up to you to ensure that you become a week long Dad and not just a weekend Dad.I am sure most of the fathers at this point are thinking now,“how do we find that time?”. The answer to that is “keep things simple”. It helps to be just around especially with the teenagers. You may not have time all the days but if you take the day as a combination of 4 sessions, it could help.

• Make sure that you are awake in the morning (may be three days of the week) when your teen goes to school. It may look difficult but it not impossible. Don’t we manage to catch a flight at 4 AM, even after sleeping for only 3 hrs.
• You could even plan to have breakfast with your children those mornings or if that is asking for a lot, just take them to the schoool bus. Yes even the teenagers. Just waking up early to say “bye” makes a lot of difference to the child day.
• Try to keep your evenings free on one or two days of the week. Be with your child when he does his homework. You could do your office work (like checking your emails or reading articles and magazines that you have been postponing) while you’re seated there. Only advice here would be not to lecture the child when you’re seating there. Just let him be. The positive side effect of this exercise would be a happy wife.
• Friday evenings are great for playing games (board games/ video games) or watch a movie or catch some sports action. This helps you and your teenager get you into the fun mood for the weekend.
• Try to cook a meal together over the weekend. Children love it when fathers try their hand on cooking. With the help of your child, try giving any dish that you prepare a special name. This a great way of not only creating a dish but creating memories which your child would reminisce about must later in his life. *Occasionally try to pick up your child from school, even if he uses school transport. Children are most chatty when they just come out of their school.
• Think of some project that you could do together. It could be getting some new plants for your balcony, painting a wall (teens love it if you let them decide the colour), building some DIY furniture, going out for photography and so on. The idea is to involve them from the planning stage with a bigger picture in mind.

There could be so many other ways of getting more involved with your child’s day today activity. Just get creative. You can do it, if you want to. A beautiful quote by Clarence.B. kelland sums it all up:

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”

Happy Parenteen!

Disclaimer: This article is not about parents who have separated.

Reference: The Effects of Father Involvement: An Updated Research Summary of the Evidence Inventory Centre for Families, Work & Well-Being, University of Guelph 2007 (Father Involvement Research Alliance)